READER WARNING: The following blog post deals with self-indulgent subject matter and may contain references to both new years resolutions and to dieting. Some readers may be offended by its whiny, self-pitying and humorless tone.
So here we are at the end of January. Oh man, so much for the New Year's resolution to write more. Or any resolutions at all. Okay well I promised myself that I would take more baths and I've been pretty good with that.
Anyway back to the same old, same old boring January thing. Or late January thing - cause this year I've just been too freaking busy to get on the old healthy eating and exercise kick, or even drone on and on about it in the blog. Oh wait, I'm still not working so I've actually got all kinds of time on my hands - so what gives?
Okay I'm not going to talk about the ratsa fratsa inertia or my fun and exciting Winnipeg in January adventure just now, even though distraction pretty much is my best thing right now.
No, I need to talk about the eating and exercise. I can honestly say that, now that Christmas and a January visit to friends and family back in Manitoba has come and gone, there has been NO craving left unsatisfied. No holiday baking left unsampled, no second helpings refused, no late night snacks of herbed liverwurst on pumpernickel denied, no naps not taken, and no workout avoidance techniques not employed....
But today I am all out of condensed milk, and butter, and chocolate, and excuses.
And I feel like crap. A lot of my clothes (especially PANTS) have gotten a little snug and camel toe-y, my energy level is at an all time low, and my motivation to do much else besides watch tv, take naps and sneak chips and chocolate bars is just gone.
This place I'm in right now is not a good place, but it's a place I know. I remember feeling like this when the kids were really small and I spent my days chasing them around, consumed by a fantasy that I could get them to nap at the same time so I, too, could lie down; and medicating myself with bags and bags of M & Ms and other sugary junk.
Candy! I was (and am again), medicating with SUGAR! Who the hell DOES that? Lots of people, probably. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time; using sugar to deal with the stress and fatigue associated with parenting toddlers. But anyone who knows anything at all about nutrition knows how this story goes: you are tired, stressed, whatever. You eat candy. You get happy and you get energy because your blood sugar rises quickly. But CRASH! It doesn't last: blood sugar plummets. You are tired and stressed again, so you reach for more candy...and so it goes for hours and days and weeks and months till you are 235 pounds and miserable as hell...
So I guess this unemployment thing has been tougher on me that I've let on - I don't seem do so well on my own and of course financially it's brutal. And Christmas wasn't a lovely soul-restoring sojourn. At all. And January (apart from a really lovely trip back to Winnipeg last week, which actually WAS good for the soul) has been so very, very quiet and grey and painfully unproductive. And I've fallen, hard, into those old habits, even though there is nothing to chase around right now except my own tail!
But fortunately I know how to dig myself out of this rut (God knows I've done it before) and I've got the tools to get right on it.
So starting tomorrow I assess the damage, get my ass out for a walk, and get the rest of me into sugar rehab. It will be January 29 - not a moment too soon!